Michal's blog

An exercise for creating space, saying ‘no’ and redefining your next chapter: The Mason Jar Exercise for Spaciousness, Choice and Resonance

How much space do you have in your life? How much of it is filled with obligations you’ve accepted for others? What percentage do you give to yourself for pursuits that are just for you? Could you stand to make a little more space in your life just for you? Could less commitments mean more quality time to focus on your Vision for your life?

 

I asked myself these questions recently and discovered that my life was almost entirely filled with obligations, guilt and hardly any room to pursue my own passions, or time to rejuvenate. One of my core values is to be of service to people - I love being helpful, creating value, offering support and transformation as a coach. Because of this, I felt obligated to serve my clients whenever they needed, whether it cut in to personal commitments or not . I would feel guilty if I wasn’t able to be available for them. It became that I was always putting everyone else first, and I was way at the bottom of the list —or sometimes I never made it on to the list at all.

When I noticed how busyness had taken over, I devised what I call “the Mason Jar Exercise”. I needed to create space and reconnect with Vision and Purpose and, have time to contemplate what’s next so that I can choose actions that support my next big chapter.

Many of the folks I coach have similar challenges. They feel overwhelmed, have no time for themselves and feel so busy in their lives they’ve lost their way, lost their deep connection to their vision and purpose.Do you find that any of what I’m talking about applies to you?? Can you check in with how your life is resonating with you, how much you feel in tune with your values in all of your pursuits, supporting roles and actions?

 

If you find, like so many of us, you could use more space and time in your life, try out the Mason Jar exercise for yourself. Here’s how:

 

The Mason Jar Exercise for Spaciousness, Choice and Resonance

 

1.    Take a Mason Jar and fill it with gravel (or any other small rocks) in proportion to how full you feel your life is out of integrity with your values. It’s a great way to visualize the things taking up space in your life, I was at about 85%.

2.    Fill the remaining space with some of your favourite things e.g. momentoes, shells, etc.

3.    As you stare at this now full, or even over full jar, contemplate what you want for your life and write out your ‘stake’—the mantra or statement that propels you forward in integrity. For me it was “with laughter and steadfast focus I open the door to my new way”.

4.    Each day choose a stone to ‘throw back into nature’. In my case, I would declare my stake, open my front door and toss it into our forest. Then you must challenge yourself in the day to let go of or get rid of an obligation or choice you’ve made that’s out of line with your values until the jar is empty save for your few favourite things. For example, ‘Today I am ridding myself of the obligation to ___ and this is making room for me to embrace ___". Now you can begin a study of the space, the singular beauty and significance of the items that remain. Notice what you want more of and where the draw is to fill it back up again.

 

This was a powerful and transformative exercise for me. It took me about a month to complete. I noticed how full my life was in activity and distraction and that I felt out of integrity with my values and that I wasn’t making resonant choices. The result was a beautiful appreciation for my life and a deep acknowledgement of how I want to live. Less has become more. Stillness has expanded my perspectives. Now I feel like I can take on my next mountain.

 

What are you noticing?

How are you discerning who and what influences you?

Being discerning about my influences and experiences - I choose the people, experiences and beauty to influence my life. I find people aren’t always choosy about who or what they allow in their lives - they tend to revert to a default based on who they’ve known forever or do so without thought. I am more discerning now - and decide who I will give my time to, when I might read email, pay attention to my phone, and certainly who I will listen to, take advice from and experiences I want.

On Friday nights I’ve begun turning my phone off from dinner until Saturday night and sometimes Sunday morning - it gives me the opportunity to not be distracted by anyone and fully present in how I design my weekend to maximize rejuvenation and reflection.

I have found several friends that are smarter than me in key areas I love to learn about and so I soak up their thoughts, we share our challenges and learn from each other, we push each other to be even better and stronger than we know and acknowledge where we’re at or how we’re feeling without judgement.

For a complete shift in perspective and experience, I love growing our organic market-garden farm, it’s a venture that gives me solace, grounding, joy on a spiritual and physical plane that is entirely unique - to grow my own food and share this bounty with those that appreciate what it takes is beyond joyful. Particularly when I also then learn what can be done with e.g. ground cherry tomato’s and chocolate or wild leeks and miso :)

And I choose to include some element of beauty in my daily life and surroundings. That might mean picking a simple bouquet of wild flowers to infuse a team meeting room in the fresh scent of lilac’s. Or it could be appreciating fine art in painting or sculpture and the profound and thought-provoking impact the artist intends.

What's your daily focus practice?

One of my core values is discipline and doing what I say. This for me is how I show up with integrity both for myself and the commitments I make to others. Keeping focused on what's most important helps me feel productive and be sure that whatever I've promised the people I work with, I get done. To support this value and way of working, I've created a daily practice that keeps me focused on the most important people and projects.

Each day I meditate, as close to waking and certainly before my first meeting. I get clear on what is coming up that day and how I want to show up for myself and the people I’m spending time with. I decide how I want to be, for example, is being joyful and listening to my intuition the most important way for today, or curiosity, humour?

 

I use mindful breathing many times in a day - particularly when I’m feeling strong emotions, maybe because I’ve just come from a fierce conversation or a situation that warrants some deep empathy - simply breath gets me grounded and clear before my next meeting or activity.

 

Exercise - feeling my body, connecting to my physical being and what’s going on for me. Maybe I’m relying too much on a coffee buzz and wanting an energy boost - listening to my cues and taking care throughout the day. How much water have I had? etc As well as honouring my value around fitness and health.

I also write - my daily journal and always moving a blog post or article forward. And most importantly - mindfulness, being fully present in each activity. Several years ago I broke my right foot and ‘lost’ my ability to multi-task in the healing process. It was a huge gift ultimately - choosing to only do one thing at a time. To have all of my mind and body focused on the thing I am doing or person i am talking with and nothing else. What a beautiful way to be, to honour those around me and the purpose or agenda of the company I’m working for. Weekly, I enjoy a mindful Friday night dinner with my family and turn off all technology to Saturday night and on Sunday's I reflect on my past week and prepare for my next - what worked, what didn't, what's important, what's not. etc.

Joy to you in finding a practice that works :)

What do you want for you life? knowing oneself

Socrates

 

There are many wiser than me that have offered knowing yourself as a valuable pursuit that brings great rewards.

 

Here are a few of my favourite quotes on why to do this:

• “I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.” – Mark Twain

• "If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."  Sun Tzu

• “It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” – Lucille Ball

• “The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man.” – Cicero

 

This is how I invest in knowing myself - I hope it inspires you to create your own practice

1. I spend time understanding my motivations, values in action or inaction, and my triggers. I leverage my coach to deconstruct situations that were particularly difficult or rewarding, where I’m overwhelmed by emotion and don’t feel I can think rationally - I check in to get crystal clear on what is going on, how am I feeling, what was the trigger(s) and how will I be at choice in action going forward.
2. I challenge myself in areas I want to understand more about myself by reading, going to lectures, sharing honestly with leanred or experienced friends.
3. I keep a daily journal - particularly around areas in my life I want to change or improve like being on time and creating sufficient time in my day for reflection. I’ve long run my calendar to ‘maximize time and service’ i.e. every available minute is in meetings, working on a project, etc. This is not only un-sustainable for me, it doesn’t leave me any room for the unexpected and more importantly an opportunity to reflect on what may have just happened or prepare for what or who I may be seeing next. This is not fair to me nor to the people I work with.

How are you taking care of yourself?

The leaders I coach drive themselves and their teams to great achievements, are engaged in what they do, love their work and have passion and compassion in how they work for their teams and customers. They face tough situations - impossible-seeming deadlines or goals, difficult conversations, constant re-balancing of work-life priorities, and crazy business scenarios we’ve never faced before.

Their days can be both energizing and completely draining. And each day they face those choices and predicaments at times with full grace and others with total foolishness.

Along the way I hear and offer the questions - how are you taking care of yourself? how will you rejuvenate? how will you maintain balance? so you I ask these questions of the leaders I work with so that they can keep driving their goals, over-achieving each day and showing up for the important people in your life :)

 

I focus on three ways to do this myself.

• Knowing myself - spending time to understand and check in with my values, triggers, and motivations.

• Doing a daily practice - i’ve created a daily and weekly practice that touches on my mind, body and spirit. this discipline and evolving practice keeps me learning, present and ‘in balance’

• Being discerning about my influences - choose the people, experiences and beauty that influence my life and what’s important about that today, this week or month or year.

What Does Your Life Design Look Like?

I would guess many people would react to this title like what on earth is she talking about? Design my life - what does that even mean? Many people I coach and work with have not thought about their life’s design - meaning the focused work you do, is it in support of your values and vision? the people you surround yourself with - do they inspire and motivate you? the physical space you live in - does it give you energy?  

 

Your life design includes more than your career. I invite my clients to think beyond what's on paper. Your career is your role, salary, title, industry company. I’m asking you also think of -  who you will be surrounded with, where it might take you beyond the role right now, how it will honour or not honour your values and how it will fit with your vision for your life.

 

If we jump mindlessly from one opportunity to the next - even if they are great opportunities on the surface eg more money, bigger title etc it can cost us in our personal lives in ways we may not consider. Arianna Huffington recently wrote about this in her book Thrive, “Our relentless pursuit of the two traditional metrics of success - money and power - has led to an epidemic of burnout and stress-related illnesses, and an erosion in the quality of our relationships, family life, and, ironically, our careers”. In addition to this sentiment, everyone’s heard repeated stories of those on their deathbed who never regret not having worked more or harder - what they always say is they wished they'd spent more time with people they loved or doing things that inspire and nurture. These are our regrets. So how do you want to design your life with no regrets in mind?

 

Here are my 3 tips on designing which I hope inspires you to re-create your designed life:

1. Know your values and how you want to honour them

2. Define your vision if not for 5 years at least for the next year - what are the big impressions you want to leave

3. Who are your stakeholders (the people that matter to you) and how will you honour them

Two Steps to Getting Better Organized

Recently I learned, through ClearFit’s  ‘job-fit’ profiling tool that being organized is not my strength - anyone who knows me might be surprised by this. I mean I manage my life by lists, I tend towards being OCD the day before a vacation, or running an event, and my filing systems are beautiful! Well it turns out that these are all coping mechanisms for naturally *not* being organized. If I was naturally so - this would simply flow effortlessly.

 

 

As a Leadership Coach  - I have the advantage of hearing about this common problem from many vantage points. There is not one client I’ve had, from the C-suite on down who doesn’t struggle with this same thing. There are an amazing plethora of books dedicated to this topic  and my favourite first foundational tool is Covey’s First Things First. This book is my go-to on this topic because he uses a super simple model that’s easy to remember and apply for any list of priorities. But when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed or stuck in the choice modality, I turn to the two action steps I share below

 

 

So, from the ‘trenches’, here is a dead simple 2-step daily practice. And the key to the success of this approach is daily practice!

 

• Step 1 - Each morning take a few minutes to yourself to sit quietly and answer two questions: What is most important today to focus on? How do you want to show up for the people you will be meeting?  

• I do this sometimes in the car while waiting for the engine to warm up in winter - I close my eyes, and take some nice slow and deep breaths

• My favourite version of this practice, is to take 15 minutes and mediate in my cozy been bag chair ideally in the morning sunrise light and find the answer to these questions before my time is done

• Step 2 - When you get that 'overwhelm' feeling take 3 deep - and I mean deep - breaths. Then decide what is most important in that moment. And/or go for a walk around the block - essentially you want to get in touch with your physical being.

• Bonus step - find an activity that works for you in practicing that brain/body connection  eg,Yoga, TaiChi, Basketball, Running, whatever will do it for you.

So, what's working for you?

Comment below or tweet me @micberman

Three Ways to Know When Coaching is Right for You

As a certified coach, people often ask me how to know if they could benefit from coaching. Many think it’s just for executives and high-profile leaders they’ve heard use it, like Eric Schmidt and Mark Zuckerberg – and then they assume they aren’t senior enough or can’t afford it. Some think of coaching with its old stigma (“If I need a coach something is wrong with me”). Some confuse coaching with mentoring or therapy.

 

None of these assumptions hold any truth whatsoever. After spending nearly two decades in the corporate world and the past several years as an executive coach, there are three things I look for when deciding whether someone will benefit from coaching. These things have nothing to do with corporate title or experience level. They have everything to do with who you are as a person – whether or not you want to grow as an individual and how hard you’re willing to work to achieve your goals.

 

1. You’re ready for a change that you want to instigate.

You can see it, feel it, taste it. It may be a big promotion you’ve set your sights on or a complete career change. Doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65, running a business or working at a convenience store. You have the desire and the drive; now you need experienced, unbiased support for the what and the how.

 

2. You’re facing a new challenge and you know what you don’t know.

You’ve been placed in a new job or a role that requires you to operate at a higher level of performance, leadership and emotional intelligence than ever before, and you realize you don’t have all the answers. Often this scenario includes managing former peers and managing “up” – skill sets that take time and focus to develop according to your unique strengths and personality, and which benefit greatly from having an experienced guide.

 

3. You’ve realized the biggest obstacle to reaching your goals is you.

Almost everyone has a self-saboteur – an inner voice of doom that keeps them from achieving their best – and a lot of people aren’t ready for the self-introspection required to tame it. You know you’re ready for coaching when you realize that the pep talks, promises and scolding you regularly give yourself aren’t working, and you’re finally ready to do the hard work required to tame your gremlin once and for all.

 

Each of these scenarios requires asking and honestly answering questions about who you are and what you truly want – not what your boss, spouse or parents want. If you can’t be honest about yourself and what makes you tick, your success will be limited at best, and it’s just a matter of when – not if – you hit a dead end. Why? Because highly effective people leverage their distinctive abilities, strengths and ways of interacting with others to achieve great things, versus trying to adopt versions of themselves they can never maintain, especially under pressure.  

 

What to Expect from Coaching

 

People often think that being coached requires showing up for a conversation once a week or every two weeks and having a discussion about work issues. In reality, coaching uses a rigorous methodology of inquiry, called powerful questions, that’s designed to help uncover your unique personality and strengths, and it does so not by giving you the answers but by helping you learn to ask and answer the right questions on your own. Participating in this process can be either enjoyable or challenging, depending on your personality; it requires deep reflection about your fears and weaknesses, what within you is holding you back, and what behaviours you need to own in order to change your situation.

 

Questions Used in Coaching

In my coaching, I use “pondering” questions designed by The Coaches Training Institute to stimulate my clients’ thinking in a particular way that will make our work together even more productive. For example, I ask my clients to answer each of these questions as clearly and thoughtfully as possible, expressing the best of who they are:

 

About you:

1. Turn the clock back and look at a time in your life when you felt your full power - a time when your spine, arms and fingertips were tingling with excitement, a time when you simply didn't care what anyone thought of you. You were absolutely alive! Where were you? What were you doing? Who was around you and what was occurring in them at the time? What was your impact on those around you?

2. You've been given a billboard and can put any message you want on it. Thousands of people will drive by and see your billboard each day. What does it say?

3. What accomplishments do you think must occur during your lifetime so that you will consider your life to have been satisfying and well-lived – a life of few or no regrets?

4. If there were a secret passion in your life, what would it be?

5. What do you consider your role to be in your local community? In your country? In the world?

 

About us:

1. What do you want to make sure you get from our coaching relationship?

2. What do you want from me as your coach?

 

What comes up for you when you read these questions? Do any of the above scenarios ring true for you? If so, how are you investing in yourself right now?  

 

I’d love to hear from you, and I’m always happy to help people explore whether coaching is right for them – with no strings attached. For more information, contact me any time at michalmberman at gmail.com.

Five Steps to Hiring a Great Executive Coach

Choosing an executive coach can feel daunting. Simply search for "coach, <insert your city>" and results will vary from the Coach brand to coaching associations. Here are five simple steps I’ve found to be the most effective for choosing a coach: 

1. Identify why you want coaching. You may be taking on a new leadership role, making a major life transition, leaning in to who and how you want to show up in the world, etc.
2. Research potential coaches. How were they trained? What references can they offer? Do they work remotely or in person?
3. Try before you buy. Set up a sample session and notice how you feel before, during and after -– without judging your feelings. Do you feel that you can trust him/her, especially with your deepest, darkest fears? Does he/she inspire or energize you? Often this will come down to your gut feel about the person.
4. Make a resonant choice. Create some space around your decision by facilitating your search in the way you make decisions best. For me, my best decisions come when I’ve done my research about the topic and the candidates, and then gathered input from as many sources as I feel I need. This process helps me to follow my gut once I’m actually engaged with someone.
5. Let the data be your guide. As you lean in with your coach and begin the work, check in after three sessions. Is he/she meeting your expectations? Be honest about why or why not, and the role you play in the dynamic. Engage in a dialogue about how it’s going and decide from there. It's unlikely you'll have made a poor choice, but if you have, both of you should be able to talk about it. If your coach can’t comfortably engage with you on this topic, there’s a clue.

It’s also important to be clear about the role you play in the coaching relationship. Getting the most out of coaching requires what I have found to be the hallmarks of highly effective people in life overall:  

1. The willingness to be honest with yourself and your coach about how you're really behaving and what you're choosing, whether consciously or not, with the actions you're taking.
2. The willingness to make a resonant choice about how you want to be in the world, who you want to be and to stand up for what you truly want. In other words: your BIG AGENDA.
3. The willingness to be held accountable for reaching your goals.

To be sure, this type of self-introspection can be a bit challenging, but just as with sports training, a bit of pain will give you major gains. I recently hired a personal trainer and I love her even when I hate her –- she will not let me get away with anything! My goal may be three repetitions at a certain weight but if I can only do one or two right now, that's my reality and I want to work to overcome it. The problem is that without my trainer, I’ll still be using old habits to overcome it a year and 10 more pounds from now. It’s the same with executive coaching… a focused approach with a trusted guide will fast-track your development and ultimately your success.

For more information, contact me any time at michalmberman at gmail.com.

Three Ways an Executive Coach Transforms Your Impact!

As an executive coach, I’ve seen people’s careers transformed by coaching. Many of the world's most admired companies, from Google to Goldman Sachs, invest in coaching, and annual spending on coaching in the U.S. is estimated at roughly $1 billion, according to Harvard Business Review. Yet I find that many people still don’t know what executive coaching is, how it works and what it can do for them. Here’s some insight.

Coaching defined

Simply put, coaching is personal training that helps professionals reach their goals, no matter where they are in the workforce – entry-level, CEO and everything in between. Much like a personal trainer works your body, an executive coach works your mind, helping you develop the mental strength, emotional intelligence and instinctive ability to problem solve and relate with others in the workplace.

Coaching uses a proven methodology of inquiry, called powerful questions, that’s been around for decades. The process is designed to leverage your unique personality and strengths, and it does so not by giving you the answers but by helping you learn to ask and answer the right questions on your own throughout your career’s myriad challenges.

The profession is governed by the International Coach Federation and has several internationally renowned schools, such as the one I attended: The Coaches Training Institute, the largest and oldest coach training school in the world.

What can an executive coach do for you?

Be a trusted sounding board.

I have found that most leaders thrive when they have a trusted guide who has walked in their shoes and is a truly unbiased source of feedback. Very few career and workplace challenges are brand new; a person’s experience or lack thereof is usually the variable. A good coach has no skin in the game other than your success as you’ve defined it, and will help you anticipate, problem-solve and build internal partnerships with the skill of a seasoned professional.

Support you with transitioning to a new role or career.

With most new roles come high expectations and unfamiliar territory, such as managing former peers or taking on managerial duties after years of virtual autonomy. Research shows when someone assumes a new or different leadership role, they have a 40% chance of demonstrating disappointing performance, and 82% of newly appointed leaders derail because they fail to build partnerships with subordinates and peers. An executive coach will help you transition effectively and build others’ trust in your ability to do the job.

Reveal derailing behaviour or blind spots.

According to Harvard Business Review, 2 out of 5 new CEOs fail in their first 18 months on the job – not for lack of competence, but due to hubris and other self-limiting behaviors. Whether you’re a CEO or receptionist, understanding the impact you have with your actions versus the impact you want to have can literally make the difference between being good and being great at what you do. Sometimes discovering a blind spot means helping people uncover their true purpose or higher calling, along with the fears that prevent them from acknowledging and acting on it.

It’s important to note that a good coach – versus a mentor, colleague, therapist or even a trusted friend – will hold you accountable for reaching your goals and will play an active role in helping you achieve your desired success.

Shared rewards

After decades of success working with many talented leaders at some of the world’s best-known brands, I decided to make my own transition to executive coaching and I am thrilled to have just passed my CTI written exam.

As a coach, I’m trained to ask the questions that compel people to achieve what they truly want. Watching that transformation in my clients has made me completely fall in love with the practice of coaching. What I love most is that those who seek coaching are naturally capable human beings who can overcome and soar beyond their imaginations. And when they do, it’s miraculous for both of us.

The coaching methodology itself pushes me to continuously improve both in my coaching and in my life, so I get to practice what I preach. Coaching speaks to my values as a person – eg, about being, at times, fiercely courageous in holding my clients accountable to achieving their goals and I love the simplicity and purity of that design.

If you want to know more, contact me!

PS: to all of you CEOs and organizational leaders: people are your largest asset, how are you investing in them?

Next: How to Hire a Coach

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